This Really Happened, Part Three

My friend Zack got an email from his brother, Mills, who had just found out that he had impregnated a girl.

He and the girl had been loose acquaintances  in college. He vaguely remembered a stupid Halloween party at the Alpha-Phi-Alpha house, where they ended up having drunken, bad sex standing against a bathroom wall. Having sex against walls looks hot in movies but in real life it is just.. not… To add to the not-hot-ness of the situation, Mills was dressed as Marge Simpson and she like the gay Teletubby – both were still in costume while the act was performed. Classy.

They didn’t really talk much after that and he hadn’t seen or heard from her since.

Until he got an email yesterday, telling him he was the farther of her 2-year old son: “Justin!” She had enclosed a photo that in all simplicity was the spitting image of Mills – this was undisputedly his son. The likeness was unbelievable and uncanny. She “thought he had the right to know!”

So Mills wrote in his email to Zach – what to do? The bitch had robbed him of being present in the first two years in the life of a child he didn’t know he had. Or knew if he wanted. So now what? Should he see the baby?

Fuuuuccckk!

Or should one not respond at all? Or sue her ass for emotional distress? What the fuck???

Zach read the mail from Mills and before he was even done reading, he reached for his phone and speed-dialed him. Mills sounded surprisingly relaxed considering the circumstances, as he answered the phone.

Their conversation went like this:

M: “Hey, what’s up?”
Z: “What the fuck? I just got you email.. Fuck, man!!”
M: “Hahaha, yehr – good one, eh?”
Z: “What are you talking about? I just got your mail about the baby, what is going on?”
M: “Didn’t you see the picture?”
Z: “No, what picture?”
M: “There was an attachment…”
Z: “I am looking at it right now and there is NO fucking attachment!”
M: “Oh, shit, I forgot the picture…”

Turns out Mills had forgotten to attach the photo of the baby.

…

A photoshopped picture of a cute little kid with an enormous – gigantic – penis.