Danish family therapist Fie Hørby once told me that ”pressure breeds counter-pressure” and that there are two areas where we, as parents, should tread lightly and choose our struggles very carefully: Concerning food and pooping. Pressuring our children in these areas can do real damage; and for a lifetime’s worth.
Approaching 4, my youngest son is finally getting ready to use the toilet for number two. Up until now, he would be diaper-less all throughout the day and then come night time, he’d come running, asking to get a diaper on. I’d sometimes force him to sit on the toilet, armed with a small footstool for me to sit on and plenty of books, but no amount of literature and “fun pooping-songs” or fairytales about pooping dragons (yeah, I went there!) could make him poop in that scenario.
After a while of trying be to nice about it, I’d get very frustrated and we’d argue. Well, I would. It never once worked. Each time, I’d end up slipping him on a diaper and he’d go into his room and close the door. (Dude likes his privacy!) Very shortly after this, the stink of a poopy diaper would spread and I’d go clean him. I tried shaming him (“Big boys don’t wear diapers!”), scolding him (“You’re way to big for this shit!”) and bribing him (“You’ll get a treat if you poop on the toilet”); and finally took the conscious decision to leave him be. And I kindly told my mom and mother-in-law to stop pressuring him too!
So for about three months now, when he has asked for the diaper; I’d quietly ask: “Do you want to try on the toilet or do you want the diaper?” and when he’d say “diaper” I’d just put it on him – no scolding, no shaming, no bribing, no arguing. I knew my former tactics had made an impression when he’d come with a filled diaper and say: “Mom, I pooped in the diaper and you are not angry!” (Sigh. I am SO sorry.)
This past week has seen a miraculous transformation. A while back we had a conversation about his impending 4-year birthday and he said: “I think when I am four, I don’t want to use the diaper.” And I said: “I think that’s fine!” So he has been rehearsing being 4. Why, just the other night, he left the dinner table and shortly after we were all called out to bear witness to a little turd happily floating about in the bowl. Yes, we all left our dinners to go see his poop. The whole family. We high-fived and then tried to be casual about it.
By now he poops on the toilet all the time. I clean him and say “wowsie, that’s a big one” or “that’s a handsome poop right there” or nothing at all. We agreed that when we have no more diapers in the house, he will get a present to celebrate this rite of passage. He wants a Star Wars Mask.
“Pressure breeds counter-pressure” – I urge you to think about it. Also in relation to your partner. I guess someone put it in a song with the words “If you love someone set them free.” I’m not exactly sure how the song continues but it might be: “Set them free and they’ll poop where you want them to.”
Cinda loves you.
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