Small talk seems to have gotten a bad reputation – even the name itself indicates that it is “small” – as in inferior. And sure – small talk is neither rocket science nor necessarily very profound. But it is an art form where you talk about nothing – and everything. You jump from one topic to the next and usually there is no given theme, so you have to make it all up on the spot. Being good at small talk means being good at making people feel comfortable. No awkward silence here. And that is a very good thing to be able to do.
So here are my tips for small talk – no more sitting at dinner parties not knowing what the hell to say:
Talk about the context
If you’re at a wedding; you can mention how beautiful the bride looks; ask how the person knows the couple or comment on how tasty the food is. There is always a context: you are there at the same moment in time. Even at the post office.
Ask
Try switching the ”So-what-do-you-do”-classic with ”What interests you?” That way people can choose to tell you about their jobs but they might also tell you about their passion for Chinese dolls, heraldic or bow ties. Once you’ve got them talking, you can follow up with more questions – be curious! People love to talk about their passions.
Give a little
Tell them something about yourself. Don’t worry: everyone is the same. Different, but same. We all go through the same stuff; my midlife crisis may have its own intricacies but it is – in its essence – the same as anyone elses. If you stay within the appropriate, you cannot over-share.
But not too much
Well. Go easy on some details though. I once politely asked someone how his wife was doing and he said: ”She’s fine. Well, she’s got hemorrhoids but don’t we all?” Be appropriate. Please. For the love of God.
Compliment
“What a beautiful broach/ring/watch! Is it an heirloom?” And you’re off. If they have short hair, you can ask if they ever wore it long; if they have long hair, you can ask if they ever had it short. Ok, that looks lame in writing but in the real world, it would work.
Sure thing topics:
Current affairs
Everyone is watching the same news so there is always something to talk about.
Weather
I find that you can always get people talking about the weather. No shame in that; use it as a stepping stone to move on to asking about people’s holidays or tell that anecdote about your grandmother who got sun burnt on her feet when she was in Rome in 1965 and how you dad since always sunbathes with his socks on.
Pop culture
“Did you watch Downton Abbey yesterday?” Movies, TV-shows and books: an endless source of small talk. ”I am watching ”Breaking Bad” just now and I almost want to leave here to go home and find out what happens – did you watch it?” If s/he did watch the first two episodes and thought it was awful – well, talk about what they didn’t like about it. Ask what kind of shows they DO like. (Clue: you don’t have to agree and you don’t have to convince them of anything. If they are really different from you and you can’t find any common ground, see it as an anthropological adventure!)
Animal sounds
Sure, you’d have to ease into this topic but once you’ve introduced it, you’ll be having fun – I guarantee it. Did you know that animals make different sounds in different languages? In English a dog goes: ”bow-wow”, in Danish it goes: ”Vov-vov”, In German it goes: ”Woof-woof”, etc. Not to mention pigs, who go “oink”, “oef”, “buhi” and “Chaau”. (WTF?) This is particularly fun in an international setting.
Names
Several countries have laws to prevent people from naming their children weird stuff so you can talk about that or bring up the strangest name you know of. I once worked over the phone for a long time with a guy named ”Sean Connery” and I when I finally met him I can tell you there was not much 007 about him. In China they take ”western” names, so it wouldn’t be unheard of to meet Ling Wyan, AKA Chuck Norris. Come on – that’s funny! (”What would you choose as an alias?”)
Take the hint
If you’re on a plane and the person next to you is obviously fake-sleeping; they just don’t want to small talk. Take the hint and bring out your book.
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