One of my Facebook friends has recently been posting updates from the hospital, where her young son is in treatment for leukemia. Sometimes her updates are angry, sometimes hopeful, sometimes grateful and last time, she was in despair. Now, I am not really friends with her in real life – we briefly worked together and have barely had a real conversation. Not really anything to merit that I comment on her difficult situation, distant friend that I am. And then again.
Some years ago my friend’s brother died in a car crash. Needless to say, like all brothers are, he was a favorite and she took it very hard. A while after it had happened, I talked to a mutual friend about it and she told me she had not said anything or written an email or done anything to show her sympathies. “I just don’t know what to say”, she said.
So all night I was pondering this issue. When bad things have happened to me (like here or here), I have to say, I did notice one or two whose sympathies I was expecting but it never ticked in. And I was particularly moved by the sympathies granted me from those, whose kind words I was not expecting.
So what do you say when there is nothing to say?
First off, here is what NOT to say:
Go easy on the bonmots. Quotations about “God not giving us heavier burdens than we can carry” are not helpful to someone who is broken with grief.
Don’t try to give it meaning by saying shit like “He is in a better place”, “God wanted her with him” or “You can still have another child”.
Don’t tell them to “Be strong”.
Don’t tell them to “Move on”.
Perhaps it is a cultural thing but I think that prewritten Hallmark cards are tacky.
I’d go with something short and authentic.
“I an thinking of you.”
“I am rooting for you.”
“I wish you all the best.”
“If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. (I don’t do windows!)”
If it is someone you know well, perhaps so many words are not nessesary. Just give them a long hug. Or tell them about your favorite memory of the person. Or drive by with a huge dish of lasagna.
It is part of the human condition that we are alone. Everyone faces everything alone. But there is great comfort in company and to be.. well: not alone. It can help.
I ended up writing a short message to my Facebook friend. I hope she will take comfort in knowing that there are people rooting for her and her family from the sidelines.
Cinda loves you.
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