A Cindafuckingrella Life

02:34 am: 3 year old enters bed. Wants water. Needs own duvet. Get up and get it.  He hogs pillow.

04:12 am: Cat does this scraping on closet-thing resulting in Hubby getting out of bed, walking downstairs, whistling, opening the door and letting cat out. Am impressed with cat’s insights into Pavlovian psychology and ability to train and condition Hubby.

06:45 am: Alarm clock goes off. Contemplating shaving in shower, as winterfur is now resembling wooly leg warmers. Decide against it, as I need the warmth. Get dressed. Get everybody else up.

07:04 am: Having thrice confirmed he wants yogurt, 3 year old pushes bowl of yogurt away, saying he don’t want it. Make lunches, drink coffee, eat. Think I might be getting a sore throat.

07:48 am: Drop off 7-year old who refuses to kiss in front of the other kids because it is “totally embarrassing”. Roll down window and yell loudly: “Mommy loves you honeysnucums, don’t forget to tell the adults if you need to make doo-doo”. Laugh evil-laughter as I speed away.

8:03 am: Enter office. Talk, talk, talk. Type, type, type. Discover gigantic hole in sock and/or wearing two different socks.

Noon: Lunch. Spill on shirt.

12:30 pm: Talk, talk, talk. Type, type, type.

14:27 pm: Think I might be getting a cold sore.

16:15 pm: Late for picking up kids. Stuck in traffic. Perpetually get caught examining pores, picking nose or singing loudly along to car radio by appalled strangers in next-door cars, waiting for the light to change. (Also time to discover huge leftover piece of something green from lunch between front teeth that all 75 people I talked to since lunch must have seen but none of them mentioned.)

16:30 pm: 3 year old delighted to see me.  Handed six laundry bags of clothes with pee on them.

16.40 pm: 7-year old appalled to see me.

16:52 pm: Picking up groceries. Hungry kids beg for candy. Lots of two-way hissing.

17:20 pm: Home. Briefly think we’ve been robbed until I realize that that’s just the way the house looks. Start picking stuff up off the floor. Let cat in.

17:30 pm: Kids planted in front of each their screen.

17:32 pm: Start first load of laundry and thank God I don’t have to go down to some creek and wash clothes by hitting it with a rock. Start dinner. Let cat out.

17:54 pm: 3-year old tells me he crapped his pants. This no-diaper thing is working out great.

18:00: pm: Hubby enters. Cat enters.

18:04 pm: Sit down for dinner. Let cat out.

18:12 pm: Dinner over. Let cat in.

18:17 pm: Feed cat. Thinking it is time to change its water, since it started preferring to drink from the toilet bowl.

18:20 pm: Bath time. Unwatched 3 year old pours endless amounts of water on floor and/or pours entire bottle of body wash into tub.

18:54 pm: Cold sore confirmed.

19:07 pm: Bedtime stories. Tooth brushing. Water drinking.

19:30 pm: Sink exhausted into couch. Wonder if I might have a slight fever?

19:31 pm: 3-year old wants water.

19:37 pm: Back on couch. Turn on TV.

19:38 pm: Sound of ass onto couch spurs 7 year-old to want water. Say a bad word.

19:50 pm: Evening crap. Need for privacy results in Hubby and two kids suddenly and magically appearing in bathroom. None of them with real missions, they are just there to stare at me and talk to me.

20:00 pm: Back in couch. Kids quiet. Hubby “will be there in 5 minutes.”

20:30 pm: Hubby there. TV.

22:00 pm: Wash face, brush teeth, wear favorite ugly t-shirt. Read.

22:21 pm: Fall asleep.

22:35 pm: Hubby enters with the quiet elegance of a bell-covered monkey playing drums in an empty barrel, now totally ready to talk about every single detail of his day. Tell him to be quiet, spurring him to turn on concert lights and read newspaper with which he unconsciously makes highly annoying clicking sounds. Click. Click. Click. Rustle, rustle.

22:45 pm: Moan for him to be quiet.

22:55 pm: Click. Click. Click. Rustle, rustle, rustle.

23:03 pm: Fall asleep.

01:01 am: 3-year old enters.

05:09 am: Cat does this scraping on closet-thing and is let out.

06:45 am: Alarm clock goes off. Shower, dressing, getting everybody else up. Cold sore is now, along with the Great Barrier Reef and the Great Wall of China, visible from Moon.