10 Things That Suck About Getting Older

As January is approaching, so is my birthday.

Here is my top 10 list over things that suck about getting older – in random order:

10. Gravity. Mothereffin’ gravity, how evil you are, forcing the ever-increasing amount of loose parts of my body down, down, down towards the ground. ( Yeeees, I have touched upon these issues before.)

9. People, who were born, when I was an adult, are now adults themselves. Mind-boggling!

8. People, who were once super-fuckable, are now old farts. It is so sad. Have you seen Mr. Darcy, his Firthiness lately? Waaaah, his chin reveals it all – he’s oooold. (I’d still do him, though. For old time’s sake!)

7. I’ve turned into my mother and say things like: “Is that what you are wearing?” and “Because I said so!“.

6. You’d think I’d get over it but my mom still makes me cringe. She is the world’s worst actress ( – Sorry, Sharon Stone!) incapable of lying or hiding her emotions, which means that if she doesn’t like something, you’ll know it. When she is lying her voice goes up an octave, so there is a real valid reason why she did not make it as a poker player. Admittedly, this is also a quality I find rather endearing – she will always give you the truth. No matter how hard she is trying to lie. (Falsetto: “Oh, what an… interesting… new haircut. It makes you look… butch…I mean… Well, it will grow back…”)

5. Having turned into my mother, I make my kids cringe. Hehehe.

4. Loss of energy. If it is past 11 p.m. and I’m not sleeping -then I’m up late. I need 8 hours or I’m a bitch! Well, bitch-ier!  I get jet-lagged just taking out the trash.

3. Kids today! I don’t GET today’s fashion and it is fucking with my gaydar. I was introduced to my friend’s friend and when he was gone I said: “Wowsie, that is the gayest man I have ever met!”  I mean; flamboyance, skinny jeans, blouse (!) and a scarf. And my (young) friend was shocked! Turns out he is the biggest pussy-magnet in the world. Well, in her circle of friends. HUH?? (I also don’t get the slang. OR the music. Well, at least turn it down. Damn!)

2. I have now reached an age where I cannot watch anything violent or hear stories about children or animals being hurt. I stopped watching the news altogether and spend my time watching BBC-programs where you follow the salmon’s fascinating journey up the river or simply put on my DVDs with Anne of Green Gables. With a nice cup of tea and a little blankie.

1.The degeneration of the body. My knees hurt and a disc in my back keeps poppin’ out. It’s all down hill from here.

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Luckily, there are good things about getting older too. Stay tuned!