Ever doubt whether or not YOU have a kid? Well…
You know you have a kid when:
- You wake up with an eczema-looking pattern of little dots in your skin, stemming from those Legos you slept on – uncomfortably but too tired to care
- You completely melt when you ask for a hug and a little guy with a little raspberry mouth says: “No hug – kiss!”
- You yell excitedly out loud: “GA-GI” and point to the sky where there is indeed an air plane – even when the kid isn’t there and it’s just you and a bunch of people switching sidewalks to get away from Crazy-Lady
- You cut up any plate of food next to you into bite-sized morsels – even out to dinner with adult people you’ve only just met
- You don’t think there is anything strange or disgusting about eating other people’s left-overs – even if it has no salt added and has been blended into a big, green blob
- You naturally pick up another person, smell their stinking diaper-ass and go: “Wowie – someone made me a present!!”
- Your relationship to poop is so relaxed (after having spent so much time it its company!) you don’t bother to take a diaper containing the mother of all huge turds outside in the garbage bin but just leave it in a – granted! – closed plastic bag until morning in the room where the kid sleeps
- Rude people less than a meter tall ask you: “Why are your breasts so long?”
- Wonderful people less than a meter tall tell you after a crap day: “You look like a princess!”
- You can’t get the lazy-ass kid to walk up the stairs and he finally looks at you with those huge eyes and explains: “I can’t because both my legs are broken!”
- You hear a little toot and smell a familiar smell and ask: “Whew, did you fart?” and he looks flirtingly back and says – with a mischievous smile : “Noooo, Mommy fart!” and you know that he’s not even two and already has a distinct sense of humour that you love
- You love them and love them and love them and hate them and love them
You know you are the mother of very advanced, special little fuckers when
- You say: “Some chocolate accidentally fell into my basket when I was shopping” and your kid looks at you knowingly and says: “These things don’t happen by accident!”
- He is 6 and asks: “Mom, is am-bi-dex-tro-us something one can become or are you born that way?”
- You give him two options:
(In a happy voice, smiling:) Option one: A wonderful bath with bubbles, a wash cloth, all the toys you want, a straw to blow water at me with
or
(In a threatning voice, looking mean:) Option two: An ass-wooping.
He sits for a while, weighing his options and finally stands up, sighs and sticks his ass out while saying: “‘-Kay, come with the wooping then!”
…
Kids say the funniest things. Please share!!! I’d love to hear what YOUR little snotlings said!!
Love,
Cinda
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OK…I can tell you’ve been spending waaaay too much time at my house.
Oh, wait, you’ve never been! Must be a mother-of-boys thing. 😉
Yes, it is equally scary and comforting how much they are all the same.
;-D
When my son was just a toddler, he loved to go to the shelves my wife loaded up with shiny, small things and play with them. She would go over and say “Steven, NO!” take whatever he’d picked up, slap the back of his hands and then move him away.
After the fourth time of this, she saw him and said “Stevennnn!!!!”
He stopped, looked at her, looked at the shelves, looked at her, put one of his hands out to her and walked to the shelf to pick out something to play with.
Basically “Go ahead and slap my hand, I’m gonna do this anyway.”
Gotta love kids.
Gotta love shiny things!
Thanks for the story, what a cutie.
🙂
My oldest daughter (6) and I were cuddled up on the couch, her arm around me. She caressed my – admittedly – rather flabby belly and said, ‘Mommy, I love your flabby belly’.. and smiled at me. I smiled back at her. ‘… and your beautiful yellow teeth too’. :p
HAHAHA… That is too funny. She just keeps the punches coming, LOL..
Well, being her mother, you like her anyway. 😉
<3