It’s My Party

As I approach the 5-month mark of me going from trusted, appreciated and well-liked employee to being fuckfuckfuckidy FIRED!!!, I take stock.

It has been an emotional 5 months.  I have shed many tears and thought many thoughts. My body still almost jolts with pain when I meet someone new and they ask me: “So, what do you do?” There is just no nice way of saying it. I was fired.

The initial shock-phase, where I felt like someone had died, passed and here I am now. Acceptance mixed with spurts of rage at the injustice and bitterness at the injury. I can only compare it to being left by a lover, that is exactly what it feels like to me.

I work really hard at keeping a healthy, constructive perspective on it. Seeing it for what it really is. I’ll get a new job soon enough and then I’ll be sitting at some office, looking out the window and wondering what (apart from the social stigma and being poor WASP-style) was so bad about long, quiet days of baking a bread, reading a book and picking the kids up early.

I have used the situation as an opportunity. An unexpected and unwanted gift of time – but a gift none the less – time to pause and reflect on the grander questions in life.

I am working really hard on forgiving myself and speaking to myself with love and kindness. I see a therapist, exercise regularly, and am finally on the other side of an unhealthy binge that lasted a couple of months and now back on my healthy eating rutine (which feels really good!). I say daily affirmations and give myself a hug everytime I remember to. I bask in the love of my children, husband, family and friends and take all that life has to offer me on that account. (God, do I sound sad? Hugging myself? Well, it is kind of sad and that’s ok. – See how my inner dialogue works?) 

I have also taken up meditation, which is a wonderful way of processing both the small stuff and the huge, life-altering shitstorms.

I took a “21-day meditation Challenge”, which was 21 days of guided meditations. I took the last one today and at the end of it, the instructor, David Ji, said the following:

“Today I make the following commitment:
I will not criticize, condem or complain.
Every decision I make today will be a choice between a grievance and a miracle.
I am responsible for what I see.
I choose the feelings that I experiencee.
I set the goals that I will achieve and everything that seems to happen to me, I ask for and receive as I have asked.”

Now, while I shall not attempt to analyze it or break it down for you, I’ll just say that it resonated with me and I thought I would share it.

…

A while back, one of my (fantastic, appreciated, valued) readers wrote to me that my blog was “funny enough” that she wanted to sign up to get it via email. Sorry if I’m not always funny.

But It\’s My Party And I\’ll Cry If I Want To!