Dear Cinda
I like my boss a lot. He’s kind, funny and very supportive, encourages me to take more responsibility, makes me feel that I am brilliant and indispensable. But whenever I come to him and ask for professional advice in terms of handling the very large pressure I’m under due to lack of resources and a growing number of tasks, he always end up sitting there complaining about how hard his own job is.
If I tell him ‘I am behind on task 1 and 2, how should I prioritize?’, he goes: ‘Yeah, I know it’s busy, I am working every night myself and I just can’t get to the bottom of things. It’s just so hard. I’m yelling at my kids and my wife tell me that we never talk anymore’. Then he looks at me, looking a little startled, probably because he remembers that I was actually the one asking for advice, and goes: ‘Well, I just don’t know how to handle things. But that won”t help you, of course, so I shouldn’t complain to you.’
But he does. Again and again. I am flatterned that he goes to me for seeking advice on how to handle difficult situations with co-workers, but at the same time it does not feel right to discuss conflicts that my boss has with some of my team members and even with his own boss.
How should I handle this situation?
Betty B.
Dear Betty,
It is a tough one and you have to be very tactful. It is a bit difficult to advice you on this since so much depends on what type of person he is and the nature of your relationship.
I’ll give a go, though:
I am glad you like your boss, whom you describe as kind, funny and very supportive. I can tell that he fulfills part of his job as a manager by encouraging you to take more responsibility and to make you feel brilliant and indispensable. While I have no doubts that you ARE brilliant, know that you are not indispensable. We none of us are. I don’t say that to be rude or belittle the value you bring to the company but to set you free. I just want to plant a potentially liberating thought in you, namely that the company will not collapse if you don’t give them your heart and soul. For the record: An idea your boss might benefit from too. Now, I’m not saying don’t give them your best – I’m just saying that no one – on their deathbeds EVER said: “I wish I had worked more!”
I hear you tell me of three challenges:
- Your boss is overwhelmed.
- Being overwhelmed, he is too caught up in his own work to give you the guidance you need.
- He confides in you about inappropriate things.
Challenge 1:
It sounds to me like your boss is overwhelmed and on route to a burn-out. Working all night and yelling at the kids and not talking to the wife??… Red alert! (If it were only the yelling at the kids and not talking to the wife, it would be like any ordinary night at my house – it’s the working all night I’m worried about!)
Trying to work oneself out of hole is a mistake many people make. Where, as a boss, he should be seeing the big picture and delegate things, some people use the strategy to just work-work-work. It is a bad strategy. Instead, he should plan his time better, prioritize and delegate so that the work he actually spends his time on is the right work – ON TARGET. Today, I’ll bet there is lots of work he stays super-busy doing, that he shouldn’t be doing! Him burning out and spending the next 6 months starring into a wall because he went crazy from stress is NOT in the company’s best interest!
At one point I was pretty stressed out myself. I then got a personal efficiency coach who changed my life. After my meeting with him, every day, I had had an empty desk when I left in the evening, zero – yes, ZERO mails in my inbox and I knew exactly what tasks and meetings I had for the rest of the week, who “owed” me what and what to follow up on. If you take the time to plan and prioritize, it saves you a lot of time in the end and it gives you such a wonderful feeling to have your head and office space UNCLUTTERED. From you mail, I see that you live in Denmark. If you want, here’s the homepage of the guy who changed MY life: Nye Visioner Ask for Søren Dybdal.
So how do you go about it? Well, like the nun told the sailor, you can either go through the front door or try to sneak it in through the back door: Either come right out and tell him that you saw this and thought it might be good for him – OR show him the material and ask if you can get the course. (Which it btw sounds like you would benefit from anyway!) One glance at the headlines should tell him that it is for him too! If he then doesn’t go for it at first, he will when he sees what a hurricane of efficiency you’ve become after going! And no, I am not getting any money for endorsing the guy. I wish.
Challenge 2:
I always like to take the most direct route and say things as I see them. If you trust him and you have that kind of confidence – and he is a person who is able to dissociate from himself and take feedback without taking it personally – perhaps tell him how you see the situation? You can do it more or less subtly: If your boss has a sense of humor, try to – when he talks about his own pressures, say: ”If I were giving YOU advice, I’d say you should talk to YOUR boss about your workload. Being MY BOSS, what is your advice to ME? “ Say it with a big smile.
Another suggestion is to help him help you. Make it really easy for him to guide you by saying: “Listen, I’ve gone as far as I can and now I need you to help me prioritize: A or B? If we do A, then it has so and so implication and these advantages/disadvantages and if I do B then it means so and so.”
Perhaps you already do this but a third suggestion is to have scheduled meetings with him, say once a week or at whatever interval is appropriate. Just 15 or 30 minutes. Then you can gather up all your questions and have it done with in one sitting. Send him YOUR agenda in advance, so you have something to stick to and to return to when (if) he goes adrift.
Challenge 3
The issue of him confiding in you makes me think that – no matter how nice a guy he is – he is being unprofessional!
It is putting you in an uncomfortable and awkward position to confide in you regarding conflicts with your colleagues and his boss. In my book, it is a big NO-NO. Everyone needs to take a load off but he should do it with colleagues on his own level, his boss or – hey – might I suggest the wife?? He is actually being disloyal towards both his boss and your colleagues. If he is talking to YOU about your colleagues – what is he talking to THEM about?? I understand that it is flattering to be his confident but if I were you, I would really try to avoid those situations.
The same principles apply when raising children, dogs, men and bosses: Ignore bad behavior – praise good behavior. So when your boss complains or “confides”, you don’t engage in that talk. You look disinterested (with out being rude, naturally) and you stay ON TARGET.
Him: “blahblahblah, my hardship, whine, whine, whine…”
You: “Sorry, so what is your advice for ME – A or B?”
Him: “Sorry, it’s just .. whine, whine, whine…”
You: “I see. If we return to my question, would you prefer A or B?”
Again, don’t be rude – just stay focused for the both of you!
So, dear Betsy – those were the words.
I hope it goes well and encourage you to let us know how it goes.
Best of luck to you.
Love,
Cinda
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